The Power of Self Compassion

Many people are able to extend love, acceptance, and understanding outwards, but aren’t able to express those same feelings to themselves. (Maybe you’ve been doing this to yourself too???)

Self compassion is having the ability to grant yourself the same support, love, and acceptance you show others. And, it is an important practice to integrate into your daily ritual and can help relieve many mental health conditions including anxiety and depression. Here at Inner Light Counseling, we want to show you the power of self compassion and how it can change your life today.

In this article

What is Self Compassion?
The Three Parts of Self Compassion
Signs You Struggle With Self Compassion
Self Compassion Exercises You Can Try Today
Does Self Compassion Make You Lazy?
Self Compassion When Life Feels Heavy
Self Compassion Therapy in Denver

What is Self Compassion?

By definition, it is the ability to show empathy, concern, or love to oneself even in the case of failure. Being able to direct these positive emotions inwards is a powerful self-reflection and coping mechanism but is oftentimes a struggle for most individuals.

As humans it is easier to show outward concern to people that may be seen as difficult, but as soon as we attempt to grant ourselves those same feelings of empathy we feel as if we are selfish or pitying our weaknesses.

Different from self-esteem, self compassion is the ability to accept oneself even in the face of failure. This concept also plays into the ability to be mindful of oneself and your surroundings. Once an individual has achieved a greater understanding of their present feelings, surrounding, and thoughts, they are able to move towards a place of self compassion and truthfulness.

The Effects of Self Compassion

Lack of empathy or compassion can have a long-term effect on an individual’s mental health condition. When an individual is no longer able to accept or forgive themselves, it can lead to feelings of insecurity, depression, or guilt. However, once one accepts self-compassion in the form of self care they are able to move past these feelings of failure and change their mindset.

The importance of self compassion is a growing trend, especially in therapy. As therapists, we place a large focus on it as a self care technique which can have a positive impact on our emotional wellness journey. Self care practices can be tremendously successful when it comes to the healing process and allow us to develop long term habits of forgiveness, acceptance, and success.

Self Compassion Vs Self Esteem

Although similar in nature, self-compassion varies from self-esteem. While self compassion is rooted in personal empathy and acceptance, self-esteem is an evaluation of oneself in the face of others. Self-esteem is a result of comparing your own traits, progress, and characteristics against others and using that basis as a form of judgement and self critique. Self compassion focuses on individual worth as opposed to comparing these differences.

How It’s Applied in Counseling

Different forms of counseling incorporate this in different ways. For example, a cognitive therapist may use it as a form of creating a more positive mindset for the patient and aiding them in moving past feelings of depression or anxiety. On the other hand, a therapist that focuses on psychoanalytic counseling may use this form of self-care to help patients recover from past trauma and re-frame their thoughts about themselves relieving guilt and shame.

There is growing research too that shows the connection between self compassion and its ability to positively impact our mental and physical health. Once an individual has begun to accept themselves for who they are they realize their potential, begin considering new possibilities, and are more accepting of both themselves and others.

This is not a one-size-fits-all approach. While many therapists incorporate self compassion counseling into their practices, it takes a level of personal work as well. Being able to reflect on your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions will allow you to begin to break down your emotions and find the compassion that is in each of us.

The Three Parts of Self Compassion

Psychologist Kristin Neff, whose research helped bring self compassion into the mainstream, describes it as three skills working together. It helps to know all three, because most of us are stronger in one than the others.

Self-kindness. Treating yourself with warmth when you struggle, instead of piling on criticism. It sounds like “This is hard, and I am doing my best” rather than “What is wrong with me?”
Common humanity. Remembering that mistakes, setbacks and painful feelings are part of being human. When something goes wrong, the mind likes to whisper that you are the only one. You are not.
Mindfulness. Noticing what you feel without shoving it away or getting swallowed by it. You cannot be kind to a feeling you refuse to admit is there.

When one piece is missing, the others get wobbly. Kindness without mindfulness can turn into avoidance. Mindfulness without kindness can turn into an endless, critical play-by-play of everything you are feeling. Together, they give you a steady place to stand.

Signs You Struggle With Self Compassion

A lack of self compassion rarely announces itself. It tends to show up as habits that feel normal because you have done them for so long. You might recognize a few of these:

You replay mistakes for days, long after everyone else has forgotten them.
You would never speak to a friend the way you speak to yourself.
Rest feels like something you have to earn, and you rarely feel you have earned it.
Compliments slide off, but criticism sticks.
You believe being hard on yourself is the only thing keeping you from falling apart.
You feel guilty for having needs at all.

None of these mean something is wrong with you. They are learned patterns, often picked up early, and learned patterns can be unlearned with practice and support.

Self Compassion Exercises You Can Try Today

Self compassion is a skill, which means it gets stronger with repetition. These exercises take a few minutes and can be done anywhere.

Take a self compassion break

The next time you notice stress or shame, pause and say three things to yourself, silently or out loud: “This is a moment of struggle.” “Struggle is part of life, and other people feel this too.” “May I be kind to myself right now.” Each line matches one of the three parts above.

Write yourself a letter from a friend

Think of something you feel bad about. Then write a short letter to yourself from the point of view of a friend who loves you and knows the whole story. What would they say about what happened? What would they want for you now? Read it back the next day.

Use soothing touch

Placing a hand over your heart or on your arm can calm the body’s stress response. It may feel awkward at first, but your nervous system responds to warmth and touch whether or not your thinking brain is convinced.

Ask “what do I need right now?”

Instead of asking what you did wrong, ask what would help. Sometimes the answer is a glass of water, a walk, a call to someone you trust, or simply permission to stop for the day.

Does Self Compassion Make You Lazy?

This is one of the most common worries people bring to counseling: “If I go easy on myself, won’t I stop trying?” The research points the other way. In a 2012 series of studies at the University of California, Berkeley, Juliana Breines and Serena Chen found that people who were encouraged to respond to a mistake with self compassion were more motivated to improve, and spent more time studying after a failed test, than people who were simply given a self-esteem boost.

Harsh self-criticism tends to make us avoid the thing we failed at, because facing it hurts too much. Self compassion makes it safe enough to look honestly at what went wrong and try again. Kindness is not the same as letting yourself off the hook. It is what makes accountability bearable.

Self Compassion When Life Feels Heavy

Self compassion matters most in the seasons when it feels hardest to reach. When anxiety is high, the mind scans for danger and treats every mistake as proof that something will go wrong. Responding with kindness instead of alarm gives your nervous system a signal that you are safe enough to slow down.

With depression, the inner voice often turns flat and harsh: “What’s the point?” “You always mess this up.” Self compassion doesn’t argue with every thought. It simply offers a little warmth alongside them, which can make the next small step feel possible.

Life transitions call for it, too. If you are caring for an aging parent, you may feel guilty for being tired, resentful, or not doing enough. If you are going through a separation or divorce, you may be replaying every decision that led here. In both cases, the people who recover best are rarely the ones who were hardest on themselves. They are the ones who learned to treat themselves like someone worth caring for, even while things were messy.

A good question to carry with you: “If someone I love were in my exact situation, what would I want for them?” Then offer yourself a little of that.

Self Compassion Therapy in Denver

Some people can build self compassion on their own with practice. For others, the inner critic is loud, old and tied to painful experiences, and it helps to have support. In counseling, we look at where your critical voice came from, what it is trying to protect you from, and how to respond to it differently. Over time, many clients find that the voice gets quieter and the kinder one gets easier to hear.

Self compassion is woven into my work in self-esteem counseling and anxiety counseling, and it can be a helpful partner to Brainspotting therapy when old hurts are part of the picture. Sessions are available in person and through telehealth anywhere in Colorado.

About Inner Light Counseling PLLC | Denver Counselor Rachel Webb, LPC

Once you have unlocked this power, you can begin to use this self-care technique to transform and heal. At Inner Light Counseling, we believe in whole-person healing. For more self care tips and counseling, click to book an appointment with Inner Light Counseling today.

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