5 Ways to Stop Negative Self-Talk and How to Empower Yourself Instead

All of us do it, even though we know it’s not good for our mental health: negative self-talk. Most of the time, we are our own worst critics no matter how much we try to practice positive thinking. The journey away from this and toward personal empowerment is not an easy one, but one that is well worth it. There are ways to eliminate talking down to yourself, and it’s more than just positive thinking.

 

In this article

• What are Some Ways to Curb Negative Self-Talk?
• Where Negative Self-Talk Comes From
• Common Types of Negative Self-Talk
• How to Stop Negative Self-Talk in the Moment
• Negative Self-Talk Examples and What to Say Instead
• Negative Self-Talk, Anxiety and Depression
• When to Get Help for Negative Self-Talk

What are Some Ways to Curb Negative Self-Talk?

Just reading the phrase “negative self-talk” gives a pretty clear idea of what it is, but it can take more than one form. At its very basic level, negative self-talk is any inner dialogue with yourself that causes you to have limiting beliefs about yourself and what you can accomplish. This can look like “I’m not good at this so I’m not going to try it again” or “I can’t ever do anything right.” Statements like these can lead to other negative self-talk symptoms, such as low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, or even depression and anxiety.

 

Way #1: Notice When You’re Being Self-Critical

Noticing when you’re being critical of yourself and thinking things like “I’ll never be good enough” is the first step in stopping negative self-talk and working toward self empowerment. When you are being critical of yourself, you are not giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and by participating in negative self-talk, you are creating limiting beliefs for yourself.

 

Way #2: Talk to Yourself Like You Would Talk to Your Best Friend

Think about it: would you ever say anything intentionally mean to your best friend? Of course not! So why would you participate in negative self-talk? Learning how to talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend is a great way to be kinder to yourself and make yourself realize that negative self-talk isn’t beneficial. So the next time you think “I’ll never be good enough,” try to replace that statement with “I’m not prepared right now, but I will be if I keep working toward my goals.”

 

Way #3: Say Your Negative Self-Talk Aloud

Saying these negative self-talk statements out loud either to yourself or with a person you trust may act as a form of negative self-talk therapy. And, it could make you realize how silly these statements actually sound. By saying “I’m not good enough” out loud may cause an initial reaction in your mind that resists this statement, which is a cue to you that it isn’t true.

 

Way #4: Shift Your Perspective

This one is definitely easier said than done, and it might be a process, but it will be well worth it. Shifting your perspective from a place of negativity to a more empowering perspective will most likely make you a much happier person. If your negative self-talk is rooted in some sort of problem you’re having, try removing yourself from the problem and look at the bigger picture. This can help the problem seem less intimidating and give you more perspective on how to tackle it.

 

Way #5: Challenge Your Negative Self-Talk

Challenging your own negative self-talk can be hard, because you’re fighting with yourself. Directly challenging statements such as “I’ll never be good enough to get that job” or “No one actually likes me, they’re just pretending”. And replacing them with statements like “That job wasn’t meant for me and something that is will come along eventually” and “My friends wouldn’t be in my life if they didn’t care about me” is a way to directly challenge your own negative thinking and lead yourself toward self-empowerment.

 

---

Where Negative Self-Talk Comes From

Nobody is born talking down to themselves. Negative self-talk is usually learned, and it often starts as an echo. A critical parent, a coach who only pointed out mistakes, a teacher who compared you to others, or a relationship where you never felt good enough can all leave behind a voice that sounds a lot like your own.

That voice often began as protection. If you criticized yourself first, maybe it hurt less when someone else did. If you expected to fail, maybe disappointment stung a little less. Understanding that your inner critic was once trying to keep you safe can make it easier to stop fighting it and start updating it. The job it was hired for may be long over.

Stress, exhaustion and big life changes tend to turn the volume up. Many people notice their negative self-talk gets louder during a divorce, a new job, caregiving for a parent, or any season when they feel stretched thin.

Common Types of Negative Self-Talk

Therapists who use cognitive behavioral approaches have names for the thinking patterns that fuel negative self-talk. Spotting the pattern is often the moment it starts to lose its grip.

• All-or-nothing thinking. “If it isn’t perfect, it’s a failure.” There is no room for good enough.
• Catastrophizing. Jumping straight to the worst outcome. “I made a typo in that email, so I’m definitely getting fired.”
• Mind reading. Assuming you know what others think of you, and that it’s bad. “They didn’t text back, so they must be annoyed with me.”
• Should statements. “I should be over this by now.” “I should be able to handle more.” Shoulds turn ordinary limits into personal failures.
• Labeling. Turning one moment into a permanent identity. “I forgot the appointment” becomes “I’m a mess.”
• Discounting the positive. Brushing off anything good as luck or a fluke, while treating every mistake as proof.

Most people lean on two or three of these more than the rest. Knowing your favorites helps you catch them faster.

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk in the Moment

The five ways above are long-term habits. These quick tools help when the critic shows up mid-day and you need to interrupt it now.

Name it to tame it

Simply labeling what is happening, “there’s that critical voice again” or “I’m catastrophizing,” creates a little distance between you and the thought. You are noticing the thought rather than being it.

Talk to yourself by name

Researchers led by Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan found that people who coached themselves through stress using their own name or “you,” instead of “I,” felt less anxious and performed better. “Sam, you’ve handled hard days before” lands differently than “I can’t do this.”

Ask “what is the evidence?”

Treat the thought like a claim in court. What actually supports it? What goes against it? Negative self-talk is very convincing but rarely holds up under questioning.

Choose a believable replacement

Swapping “I’m a failure” for “I’m amazing” usually backfires, because your brain doesn’t buy it. Aim for something true and a little kinder, like “I’m learning, and this part is hard.”

Negative Self-Talk Examples and What to Say Instead

It helps to have replacement phrases ready before you need them. Here are some common examples of negative self-talk, each with a kinder and more realistic response you can borrow or adjust to fit you.

• “I always mess everything up.” Try: “I made a mistake this time. That doesn’t erase all the things I’ve done well.”
• “Everyone else has it figured out.” Try: “I’m comparing my inside to other people’s outside. Most people are figuring it out as they go.”
• “I’m too much.” Try: “I have real feelings and needs. The right people will make room for them.”
• “I should be further along by now.” Try: “I’m on my own timeline, and I’ve come further than I give myself credit for.”
• “I can’t handle this.” Try: “This is hard. I’ve gotten through hard things before, and I can ask for help.”
• “Nobody would care if I disappeared.” This one deserves extra care. If thoughts like this come up often, please reach out to someone you trust or a counselor. In Colorado, you can call Colorado Crisis Services at 1-844-493-8255 or text TALK to 38255, any time.

Write your own versions down and keep them somewhere you’ll see them, like a note on your phone. Repeating them when you’re calm makes them easier to reach when you’re not.

Negative Self-Talk, Anxiety and Depression

Negative self-talk and mental health feed each other. Anxiety fills the mind with what-ifs, and negative self-talk answers every what-if with the worst case. Depression narrows your view, and negative self-talk confirms that narrow view is the truth. Over time, the loop can make it harder to try new things, reach out to people, or believe anything will change.

The good news is that the loop works in reverse, too. As you soften the way you speak to yourself, anxiety often has less to grab onto, and low moods can lift a little faster. It is rarely a straight line, but small shifts add up.

When to Get Help for Negative Self-Talk

Everyone has critical thoughts sometimes. It may be time to reach out for support if negative self-talk is keeping you from things you want to do, affecting your sleep or relationships, or showing up alongside ongoing anxiety or depression. It’s also worth reaching out if you can trace the voice back to painful experiences you have never really processed.

In counseling, we work on both layers: practical tools for the thoughts themselves, and the deeper beliefs underneath them. For some clients, Brainspotting therapy helps reach the older hurts that keep the critic going, without needing to talk through every detail. You can learn more about my approach to self-esteem counseling in Denver or request a consultation.

About Inner Light Counseling, PLLC | Self-Esteem Counseling & Brainspotting Therapy Denver, CO

Rachel Webb LPC is a licensed Brainspotting technician offering counseling for trauma, anxiety and caregiver burnout in the Denver metro area. Rachel seeks to encourage self compassion and help you boost your mood and feel better. She has over 10 years of experience working with patients with anxiety, depression, and trauma. Rachel also specializes in helping clients through caregiver burnout. Follow us on Facebook for more helpful tips. Or, click here to contact Rachel and make an appointment. We look forward to seeing you.

Related reading

• The Power of Self Compassion
• Learning to Trust Yourself
• When Anxious Thoughts Get Sticky: How to Break Free and Find Your Way Back to Yourself

Learn more about my self-esteem counseling.